


Dear Sammy

by rGo



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-12
Updated: 2012-12-12
Packaged: 2018-04-26 13:36:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5006728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rGo/pseuds/rGo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>-=-<br/>Kind of AU, I guess. How it might have gone after 5x22.<br/>I played with the timeline a little, so it's not canon.<br/>The chronology is really important to the story.</p>
<p>The format is part of the whole picture, I took some pains with it.</p>
<p>As always, subject to moody revisionism.<br/>Comments encouraged.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Dear Sammy

**February 20 2010**

_**Hey, it's Sam, leave a message and I'll get back to you when I can.** _  
_**< beep>** _

 

Sammy ....  
Sammy ...  
I know ...  
I know you .. uh .. I know you can’t ....  
.. well .. I uh ...  
I just wanted to ... to hear your voice. 

Sammy... I just wanted to hear you.

 

_****_

* * *

**March 3 2010**

_**Hey, it's Sam, leave a message and I'll get back to you when I can.** _  
_**< beep>** _

 

Sammy .... oh God Sammy ... I miss you.

Sammy please ... there must be a way out  
please c’mon Sammy just fight .. please..  
fight and come back to me  
...  
...  
oh God Sammy...What am I s'posed to do?  
...

 

_****_

* * *

**March 24 2010**

_**Hey, it's Sam, leave a message and I'll get back to you when I can.** _  
_**< beep>** _

 

Sammy ... God Sammy I ...miss you 

It’s been a month Sam ... a fucking month,  
You jumped into Hell's mouth ... and left me here

And I just can’t ... Sammy .. I can’t  
I just can’t accept it ..  
I just won't .. you can't be gone  
there's got to be some way .. Sammy  
I mean I know .. I know why you did it .. but ..  
I spend every fucking day wishing you hadn't

 

God Sammy, I try so hard to be strong ...  
to not look like I'm coming apart but you’re  
all I ever think about. And in part of me  
you’re all I ever want to think about....

I spend every day and every night  
trying to get you back,  
praying or bargaining or begging ...  
but there’s no one listening .... 

I know I promised I wouldn’t  
but I can’t .. I can’t do this

No one fucking cares that I’m half dead without you.

I went to Lisa, like you asked and she let me in  
but I can’t Sam, I can’t. It hurts so damn bad.

I can’t run far enough, or drive fast enough,  
or soak enough booze into my brain.

The days and the nights, they blur together, Sam.  
I can’t remember when I slept or when I ate or  
when I did anything... it’s just one long horrible nightmare  
where you’re gone.

You know those bruises, Sammy .. I know ...  
I know it wasn’t really you .. and they're starting  
to heal ... and fade ... and I .. uh ..  
I know it’s fucked up, but part of me is afraid ...  
you’ll fade with them.

Sammy it hurts so bad. Every beat in my heart hurts.  
I don’t even know how to make it real so I can make it stop.

Sometimes, I sit in the Impala .. .and  
I have your favorite knife, Sam,  
and God help me, I don’t understand why ...  
I just need something to focus my pain --  
I slide your blade across my arm,  
like somehow those little red tears  
will help me stop crying. 

Like somehow you’ll feel it too and know I miss you.

Sammy, I miss you so much.  
I’ve got to find a way to get you back ...  
if you can hear me Sammy .... 

please Sammy

 

_****_

* * *

**April 10 2010**

_**Hey, it's Sam, leave a message and I'll get back to you when I can.** _  
_**< beep>** _

 

Sammy ... uh ..  
Sammy ... I miss you ... and I .. uh ... I love you.

I ... uh .. I can’t remember if I ever told you that before.  
But ... I do, love you, man. I love you so much.

Sammy, I’m not sure I can do this. Not without you.  
I know you wanted me to .. to have this ..  
normal apple pie life, but .. I can’t 

How can it be normal Sam?  
When I can’t feel ANYTHING except missing you.

Sometimes I dream of those last minutes ...  
and .. and I can feel your hands against my face ..  
I can feel your skin, your bone, the force jarring my vision ..

And I wake up, Sammy, I wake up knowing  
that I would take that beating every single day,  
if it meant you would be here to give it to me.

I lay in bed beside Lisa and I dream of you, Sam. You.  
I’m not ever going to be normal Sammy,  
I don’t know if I ever was.

Sammy ...

I know this is all my fault.  
I should have never let you do this.  
It was a stupid plan from the beginning  
and it just got stupider as we went.

There had to be another way. I dunno ...  
just some other way ..  
something else or someone else ....  
Just someone else on this whole fucking planet...  
ANYONE else, I don’t care who, just not you.

You know how sick I am, Sammy? Do you know  
what kind of fucking monster I am?  
I would trade anyone to have you here now.  
I know you think I don’t mean it .. but I do ..  
Sammy I’m so sorry I do. I’d trade Dad or Bobby or  
Lisa or Ben or anyone .. just anyone if you could come back.

Sammy I let you down. And now ... ... now you’re in Hell.  
And .. and I’m in Hell too.

 

_****_

* * *

**May 2 2010**

_**Hey, it's Sam, leave a message and I'll get back to you when I can.** _  
_**< beep>** _

 

...  
...  
... uh ...  
..  
Sammy?

... I don’t know what day or week or month  
it is where you are. Or what year or century or whatever.  
Maybe there’s not even time where you are ....

But here ...

Here it’s your birthday.

It’s your birthday .. and .. I..uh .. I ...  
I ... uh just .. I just wanted to tell you  
.. that .. uh ..  
That I love you and I miss you.

 

_****_

* * *

**June 8 2010**

_**Hey, it's Sam, leave a message and I'll get back to you when I can.** _  
_**< beep>** _

 

Sammy ... it’s me.

I miss you so much, Little bro.

I try so hard, Sammy. I do.  
And I know it’s not their fault. I know Ben doesn’t  
understand how everything he does reminds me of you.

And I don’t mean to scream at him ... it’s not his fault ..  
and honest Sammy, I don’t mean to. Then Lisa screams  
at me .. and I ... .. I drink.

Sammy it’s just so hard. It’s too hard. I can’t do it.  
I keep my brain soaked in Johnny Walker just to keep  
from putting a bullet in it.

I don’t understand what I’m doing. I don’t understand  
what I’m supposed to be doing. I keep hurting everyone.  
I keep letting everyone down. 

I just keep fucking things up, Sammy. 

I don’t know what to do.  
I just wish you were here.

You would be ... but..  
but ... I fucked up and let you down too.

 

_****_

* * *

**July 7 2010**

_**Hey, it's Sam, leave a message and I'll get back to you when I can.** _  
_**< beep>** _

 

baby brother, it’s me.

I miss you so much.  
If you can know anything where you are,  
know that I miss you every single fucking day.

So we tried to go to a fourth of July picnic.  
and I remembered how you used to love fireworks...  
Remember when we set that field on fire? 

But they always made you cry as an adult. You think  
I didn’t see Sam? I always saw. Everything.  
But now I cry, Sammy, because it’s supposed to be  
about freedom ... and .. well.. you get it..

I tried, bro, I tried to hold it together ...  
be the “family man”, but .. it’s just hard ...  
it’s like they expect to just “snap out of it”

Sammy ...  
Lisa says maybe I should get some grief counseling.  
I told her I didn’t need any god damn grief counseling.

but Sammy, maybe I do 

no matter how hard I try, all I do is miss you.  
and I don’t ever want to stop missing you I swear I don’t ...  
but ...I know .. I know the promise I made  
I want to keep my promise to you ... Sammy .. I do ...

I mean if I couldn’t save you, the least I could do is  
not fuck up your dying wish.

 

Sammy please just know, I’ll never ever forget you.  
Every drop of blood in my veins remembers you.

I love you, bro.

 

_****_

* * *

**September 4 2010**

_**Hey, it's Sam, leave a message and I'll get back to you when I can.** _  
_**< beep>** _

 

It’s me baby brother.  
I miss you.

 

I miss you so much ... ...

I guess I’ve come to it ... Sammy ...  
That if there was a way ... you’d be back.

Part me believes that ...  
The part of me with the Winchester stubborn streak  
says you’ll find a way. 

Hell’s never kept us apart before.

I’m tryin’ Sammy I’m tryin’ to live the life.  
The one you wanted for me.  
The one I thought I wanted.

But it’s hard. I never wanted it ... .. not this way.  
I love you Sam.  
I know you did this for me... well .. for all of us.  
But I know what you did

Sammy you saved the world. And you’re a hero.  
...  
You’re my hero Sammy, you always were.

 

_****_

* * *

**October 5 2010**

_**Hey, it's Sam, leave a message and I'll get back to you when I can.** _  
_**< beep>** _

 

I love you baby brother.

Autumn’s here, Sammy.  
I know it was always your favorite time of year.

I always hated it. Cause that’s when you left for Stanford.  
The worst day of my life .... well, I guess the second worst-- now.

I always loved Spring.. Because that’s when you came,  
baby brother ... and .. and ... I’ve loved Spring and you  
ever since.

But it’s Autumn now, Sammy ... and .. uh .. a new baby is coming.  
Lisa’s pregnant, Sam. A baby, Sammy, a little life.  
A little person that I’m supposed to protect and take care of ...  
like .. like I was s’posed to for you

Sammy I’m so sorry, Sammy,  
I .. I .. I just .. ... please forgive me .. I’m so .. so sorry. 

I never wanted to let you down.

 

_****_

* * *

**November 18 2010**

_**Hey, it's Sam, leave a message and I'll get back to you when I can.** _  
_**< beep>** _

 

It’s me Sammy.

Winter’s coming little brother. And I’ve been thinkin’ ..  
I guess .. ‘bout you ... like I always seem to be ..  
and thinkin’ ‘bout Thanksgiving ..

I know it was always uh ... well .. I know ours weren’t  
ever “normal” .. like you always wanted. I know you always  
wished for ... well.. for somethin’ we never had ...

I promise you, Sammy, I’ll make the best damn Thanksgiving  
you’ll ever wish for. Just like you always wanted.

So... Sammy... ... I’ll ..uh .. I’ll set a place for you.

I miss you, little brother.

 

_****_

* * *

**December 22 2010**

_**Hey, it's Sam, leave a message and I'll get back to you when I can.** _  
_**< beep>** _

 

It’s Christmas here, baby brother.  
And I miss you so fucking much.

...  
...

I just ...  
... I’ll just never be ok with Christmas without you.

 

_****_

* * *

**January 24 2011**

_**Hey, it's Sam, leave a message and I'll get back to you when I can.** _  
_**< beep>** _

 

Saaaaaaaaaaaaaammeeeeeeeeee ... ...  
Saaaammeeeee-eee  
give me yur answer, do,  
um half crazy fooor the luuv of you.  
....  
Saaaammy ... I miss you soooooo much

Saaammy I’m ... drunk.  
Coz iz'my birthday.

and ... and .. I’m sorry  
I’m sorry I’m here and yur .. yur in that fuckin’ cage  
Nobody understands ... how much I miss you.

I miss you Sammy... I miss yur smile and yur laugh  
and yur snarky cracks and yur bitch-face ...  
...  
I miss bein’ in the Impala b’side you ... ...  
and ... shhhhh ... and .shhh .. I won't tell.....  
I miss bein’ so warm in bed b’side you  
...  
and .... and mos'uv all ... Sammy ...  
mos'uv all ... I miss hearin’ you say my name.

 

_****_

* * *

**March 12 2011**

_**Hey, it's Sam, leave a message and I'll get back to you when I can.** _  
_**< beep>** _

 

One year little brother.  
You’ve been gone a year.

Hurts just as bad though.

I’m living the life, like you wanted. ... I guess..  
...  
...  
I just ... ... I just ... I don’t know .....

I just .... love you. And I miss you. Always

 

_****_

* * *

**May 2 2011**

_**Hey, it's Sam, leave a message and I'll get back to you when I can.** _  
_**< beep>** _

 

Hey Sammy, it’s me.

It’s your birthday ... again.

I know you’ll never hear these messages.

I don’t know why I leave’m ‘cept ... I guess ...  
sometimes hearin’ your voice ... just ... uh ...  
just makes everything seem better.

So ... the baby’s due soon, Sammy.  
Doctor says any day now. And so .. yeah ...  
me and Lisa we were ... uh .... we were kinda thinkin’ ...  
we were kinda thinkin’ that ... uh..  
we’d like to name him Sam.

Samuel John Winchester, after his uncle Sammy,  
the man who saved the world.  
The bravest man that ever existed.  
More importantly, the most important man in my life.

It’s big shoes to fill ... I know ... but if he ..  
uh ... even if he’s only half the man you are ...  
he’ll still be ten times the man I am. ..

I wish you could be here.

I miss you, bro.

 

_****_

* * *

**June 1 2011**

_**Hey, it's Sam, leave a message and I'll get back to you when I can.** _  
_**< beep>** _

 

little brother... you should see him, Sammy ...  
he’s perfect ... he’s beautiful and perfect

he’s got these perfect little hands ... and ..  
and these perfect little feet ....

oh Sammy I wish you could see him ...  
he’s got your eyes Sammy, your eyes --  
I can see you looking at me through them

He’s gonna grow up and be big and strong  
and smart and brave ... just like his Uncle Sammy ...

...  
...

Sammy?

I know I’ve said this a lot, but it’s important:

I love you.  
I always have, since the day you were born.  
I always will, until I’m dead or you come back to me.

But until then, I SWEAR to you, Sammy ..  
I’ll look after little Sammy and I’ll make sure  
he has the kind of life you always wanted. 

It’ll be normal and safe. We’ll have cookouts and  
birthday parties and Christmases with a real tree  
and everything.

... and ... and .. Sammy it’ll be so perfect .. so perfect

He’ll play T-ball and Soccer and get straight A’s.  
He’ll go to prom and graduate with top honors.....  
and maybe he’ll go to Stanford or some other smart guy school...  
And you’ll be so proud of him too ... 

And I’ll protect him from everything little brother, everything.  
And I won’t fuck this up, Sammy, I won’t let you down ... again.

Goodbye Sammy.  
I love you.  
I miss you.

 

_****_


End file.
